How to Get Laid in 1977 and Your Ass Kicked in 2007

This is a hi-larious read....great photos as well....

Revenge - Today's Theme

Ok, now its on. I discovered that the bannana head thief of my cycling gear used the knife not only to cut their want into my jeep, but also just for fun sliced several holes in my soft top and sliced apart the leather on my console.

In light of this I thought I'd do a little movie quote quiz, whoever gets them all right gets a special gift.

1. The first one is a trick one, it appears in 5 movies: "Revenge is a dish best served cold." I'll give you the easy one, Star Trek Wrath of Khan. Can you name the others?
2. Revenge is for suckers. I've been griftin for 30 years and I've never got any.
3. A tale of murder, lust, greed, revenge and seafood.
4. My father used to say that a man could never outdo a women when it comes to love or revenge.
5. It was revenge for Billy Batts, and a lot of other things. And there was nothing that we could do about it. Batts was a made man and Tommy wasn't. And we had to sit still and take it. It was among the Italians. It was real greaseball shit. They even shot Tommy in the face so his mother couldn't give him an open coffin at the funeral.
6. I went on what the movies called a roaring rampage of revenge. i roared. and i rampaged. and i got bloody satisfaction. I've killed a hell of alot of people to get to this point. and i have only one left. the last one.
   
7. When fortune smiles on something as ugly and violent as revenge, there's proof like no other, that not only does God exist, you're doing his will. (#6 and 7 are the same film)
8. I am Jack's smirking revenge.

Gal dang thieving thieves!!

Just found two more major pieces of damage to my Jeep....stinking ingrate mutha scratchers!! I'll find you I say!!

Photos to come later....

Some cycling costume ideas

Mountain Biker (If You're normally a Roadie): Prepare for the party by gaining 25 lbs and getting 20-30 tattoos. Wear baggy pants -- baggy enough that they keep falling down. Arrive drunk at the party and continue to drink once you get there. Insist you have mad skillz.

Roadie (If You're normally a Mountain Biker): Prepare for the party by putting a stick in your butt. Wear uncomfortably tight cycling clothes for the party, drink nothing put thrice-filtered water and tell everyone exactly how many calories and fat everything they're eating contains.

Triathlete: Don't come to the party, because you've only done four workouts today and still need to get in one more and you don't want to break training, no matter what.

Runner: Dress up like Marion Jones....

Some Halloween Costume Ideas

I scoured the internet(s) via the google machine and found these rather clever halloween costume ideas....although I think my costume on Saturday night was pretty sweet, I had a cd and a lighter tied around my neck...get it, I was a CD burner....later that night I dressed up as a dork who just got all his cycling shit stolen out of his Jeep, that was a party favorite...

Me loving some helloween

Ahh....my favorite holiday, to celebrate Satan, worship the devil, and all that shit. Check out me and SK's fancy pumpkin carvin's. Pretty fly eh?

Devil Worship is a general term for forms of Satanism which believe that either Satan/the Devil is an actual deity and/or force. Theistic Satanists are not atheists, and may believe in a conscious universe. Satan may be perceived as male and female, a Muse and the Bestower of knowledge (Gnosis). Believers may place a great emphasis on the Serpent in the Biblical tale of Genesis, whom they perceive to be one of the many emanations or incarnations of Satan. According to such teachings, Satan blessed mankind with the "forbidden" fruit of knowledge of good and evil.

Some funny fucking shit

Mucho thanks to Rosemont for sending this along....

How I cracked my helmet and now have no cycling gear

Wow, what an innaresting fucking saturday. First, started off with a great ride with CB and Butterfly, ending with an over the bars wreck onto a rather difficult log ride cracking my helmet.

Next, I'm at Tom's bday party at Asheville Brewing Downtown, I'm parked in the new Biowheels parking lot. Come out of the party, some ass head had slit my window on my jeep softdoor(of course the doors not even lockable) and stole ALL of my cycling gear. They got my camel back full of tools, a new pump, and an irreplaceable multi-tool my sis brought me back from the Swiss Army Factor in Switzerland. They go my entire cycling bag with two jerseys, a pair of shorts, an expensive pair of riding glasses and on and on. Fuckers. I hope I catch someone wearing that camelbak. It has a huge number 6 on the back of it written in a black sharpie. If its some fucking hipping I'm going to cut off their dreadlocks and make them take a shower, then make them cash in part of their trust fund to buy me new shit. Luckily they didnt see my Sidi shoes on the floor.....

Thats to Becky and Si for a great party that took my mind and my liver off of the days losses. Oh well, shit happens, at least my helmet worked!!

bruce lee fights chuck norris

holy fuck ass, this is some classic futtage....

Crazy ass 8 thousand dollar bicycle

A hybrid between a bicycle and I guess a moped, its pretty crazy looking to say the least. They claim it can go 25-30 miles on a single charge, or forever if your pedaling.

You should buy it here and let me borrow it when my Jeep breaks down.

Asheville: If you can make it here, you probably have a trust fund

The average house price is now up towards 240K, yet the average Per-Capita Income: $20,024, you do the math einstein.....

trustafarian:

a. a spoiled rich white kid who smokes pot.

b. a person who, in an act of rebellion has taken to smoking pot, pan-handling, and following grateful dead rip-off bands during the week, and then returning to his or her parent's cozy home in the suburbs during the weekend.

c. one who lives with poorer people in an attempt to gain credibility, or street-cred, while disguising the trust fund they actually live off.

d. priviliged white kids who subsribe to the hippie lifestyle (because they can) since they have no worries about money, a job etc. They can then devote their lives to eating organic, following Phish, and wearing dreadlocks (no need for job interviews).

insane fucking unicycling video

This guy is just so fucking crazy I don't know where to begin. Sorry for the music, but the video is a must see!!

Pump Track near Biltmore Village!!

Thanks to a heads up from a riding bud, she gave me directions to a sweet pumptrack in Biltmore, and what's even better is that its about 5 minutes from the brewery.

This one is MUCH larger than the one by Bent Creek and looks to be much more suited to full sized mountain bikes.

It was actually raining if you can believe that so I just did a quick drive by to find it a snap a pic. Supposedly its open to the public, but it is in someone's backyard so I'm hoping to confirm that fact before showing up to ride. Looks like a lot of fun, has several large berms and a few big ole table top jumps.

Click on the photo to see a larger version.

Apple now worth more than IBM

After Apple's phenomenal earnings report this afternoon, AAPL is up over 7 percent in after hours trading to $186.02. This marks Apple's market cap at $161.8 billion -- above IBM ($154.23 billion) for the first time ever.

Ha ha, fuck all you industry experts awhile back who said Apple was doomed!! Back in Jan of this year they surpassed Dell as well.

This is what Michael Dell said about Apple in the late 90's:

And at the Gartner Symposium and ITxpo97 here today, the CEO of competitor Dell Computer added his voice to the chorus when asked what could be done to fix the Mac maker. His solution was a drastic one.

"What would I do? I'd shut it down and give the money back to the shareholders," Michael Dell said before a crowd of several thousand IT executives.

The most absurd death scenes in movies

Here is a great youtube compilation of the funniest and most fucking absurd death scenes in movis, great watch.

Joke O' the day

A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter. St Peter asks first girl, "Rebecca, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Meg have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line, she says "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I wan't to do it before Jen dips her ass in it"

Colbert talks on Meet the Press

This is pretty damn funny.....watch here.

Colbert in 08

Steven Colbert is seeking your help to get in the South Carolina Primary. Here is how you can help him:

1. Click here to download the 2008 South Carolina Presidential Primary Petition.

2. Obtain 20 legitimate signatures for the petition. They must be those of registered voters in South Carolina.

3. Mail the completed form to:

P.O. Box 21597
Charleston, SC 29413-1597

For more info and a great video from Colbert click here.

Holy Shit its raining!!

Go build an ark, I can't believe it, rain rain rain!!

Hopefully my massive yard of brown patches will start to turn a little green now.

Bush openly discusses starting WWIII

Holy shit fuck, just when you think our Dictator in Chief can't get any more frightening, now he is throwing idle threats around about the possiblility of WWIII happening if Iran gets nukes....

Hey, wait a minute....didnt the U.S. not only invent the nuclear weapon, but also we are the only country to ever use one, twice actually.

Now he is starting a scrap with the former soviet union, hopefully a new cold war will start, since I don't think my taxes are high enuff already. Bush's approval raitings are at 24%, who are these numb nuts that are approving of his policy of getting every nation on the planet to want to destroy us?

Update: This is a direct quote from our emperor: "if you're interested in avoiding World War III, it seems like you ought to be interested in preventing [Iran] from having the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon."

So he is saying that just Iran's "knowledge of making a nuke is worth starting WWIII over. Now, this is interesting: "The International Atomic Energy Agency also agrees there is no sign of an Iranian nuclear weapons program..."

Hmmm.....this sounds VERY fucking familiar.....i'm going to put down my bourbon and starting digging my bomb shelter.....

Apple shares hit all time high yet again!!

Apple closed today at $173.47 per share, get ready for the split boyz and girls, that will be the time to gobble up some serious shares if you want to make some quick cash.

Stephen Colbert to run for President

Finally, someone I can truly stand behind and support!!

"I shall seek the office of the president of the United States," Colbert said Tuesday on his Comedy Central show as red, white and blue balloons fell around him.

Shortly before making the announcement, Colbert appeared on "The Daily Show" (the show that spawned Colbert's spin-off) and played cagey, claiming he was only ready to consider a White House bid. He entered the studio set pulled by a bicycle pedaled by Uncle Sam and quickly pulled out a bale of hay and a bottle of beer to show that he was "an Average Joe."

In a guest column for Maureen Dowd in Sunday's New York Times, Colbert wrote: "I am not ready to announce yet -- even though it's clear that the voters are desperate for a white, male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting alternative."

This is some of my favorite Colbert stuff ever:

Ride Review: Lower Sidehill

Ok, everyone has a different fucking name for this trail, but the map says Lower Sidehill so I'm going with that one. This really is a nice ride, and its short enough that you can squeeze it in after work, I'm guessing it took about an hour and a half to do.

The ride starts at the intersection of Bent Creek Road, forest road 479E and the campground connector trail. Just drive up past the new parking lot and stay on Bent Creek road until you hit the small parking lot on the left.

Check out the map to the right, click on it for a larger version.

The climb on the forest road up Bent Creek Road starts out gradual, but tops out at a pretty nasty grade. Right at the top of this big climb you will see Lower Sidehill trail on your right marked with a sign. This trail has nice berms, jumps, and even a pretty tricky log ride throw in. Fun stuff.

More Kaufman Genius

Damn, I can't get enuff o' this...

Andy Kaufman - I'm From Hollywood Clip

More Kaufman Genius....

THE funniest thing EVER on network TV

Jerry Lawler slaps Andy Kaufman on David Letterman Show, this in my not so humble opinion is the greatest and bestest thing to ever air on network tv....the back story to this is long and long, i'll save it for another post, or better yet watch the documentary "I'm from Hollywood".

Why Conan is the bestest late show host ever

Watch, and yee shall see...

Just one guys opinion on the best of cinema

I'm always asking folks, what are your top five movies ever, or even worse your favorite, fuck ass thats a tough question(s). I think about this alot while taking a crap or puking out the previous nights whisky, its something I like to ponder. Here are some thoughts, just from me, one jack ass.

Best Movie Ever: Blade Runner

Worst Movie Ever: This is so fucking hard, there are sooooo many bad movies. Many would say Battlefield Earth, but I haven't seen it. The movie Sliver comes to mind, as does Speed 2 and Catwoman, but at least that had Hallie Berry to look at. But I think I'll have to go with a movie that was a sequel, and I LOVED LOVED the original film, but after seeing the sequel it was so fucking terrible that I now hate the original, I am of course talking about Clerks II.

Most over-rated film: This is easy, Gladiator.

Best Gangsta Flick: Nope, it ain't The Godfather, its Goodfellas
Best Classic Film: Casablanca

Best Sci Fi Movie: Duh dumb shit, Blade Runner

Greatest Musical: Blues Brothers

Best movie most of my friends have never seen: Dr. Strangelove

Worst Trilogy: Bored of the Rings

Best Comedy: MASH

Best Creature Flick: JAWS

Best ultra violent film: A Clockwork Orange

Best Western: The Wild Bunch

Best movie about canoeing: Deliverance

Best movie about cycling: Breaking Away

Mac OS X Leopard Coming in Days!!

I feel sorry for you snapper heads still using pc's, having to struggle thru Windows XP or Satan forbid Vista....if your using Vista you'll be using what Mac's OS was like about five years ago, but it didnt crash every five minutes and require you to buy a new machine to use it, and it didnt cost $499 big ones like Vista!!

Here is a great page with all of Leopards 300 new features all laid out nicely, very nice indeed. Leopard will be availble Oct. 26th.

Scary Psycho Skeleton Ann Coulter

In a recent conversation with Donny Deutcsh, cold-fish Coulter claimed the country would be better off without Jews. After a heated debate, she conceded that keeping them around might be tolerable if they were "perfected."

Wow, what a great representative for the christian right she is. Maybe she is just pissed because she is so hungry, would someone give SS Coulter a fucking sandwhich?

Robert Keen Robert Keen

Robert Earl Keen
+ Corb Lund
Sunday, November 11th
The Orange Peel

If you've never seen Robert Keen Robert Keen, then you truly need to take some music appreciation classes you fucking ass bitch. So buy yer tix now, and enjoy one of today's greatest song writers.

"We had some moonshine whisky
and some of Bob's homegrown
we were so messed up we didn't know
if we were drunk or stoned"
REK

Up and coming Sacha Baron Cohen flick

Brüno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt

Director: Dan Mazer (Borat)

Cast: Sacha Baron Cohen

The follow-up to Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, follows Cohen’s third Da Ali G Show character Brüno, a gay Austrian TV reporter who interviews unsuspecting guests about topics such as fashion, entertainment, celebrities and homosexuality, with an emphasis on the latter as each interview progresses.

Some quickie 1 sentence film reviews

These are based on a scale from one to ten....one sucks ass, ten you should run out and see it.

• Michael Clayton: Great legal thriller, Clooney does not dissapoint: 9
• Eastern Promises: David Cronenberg(History of Violence, Dead Ringers, The Fly, Scanners) really nails it with this hellacious russian mob movie. It quite possibly has one of the greatest fight scenes I've seen in any movie. 8.5
• Knocked Up - Judd Apatow, who directed Superbad and Talladega Nights, does it again with this vulgar, crude comedy, but it also is somewhat of a romantic comedy which I normally detest, but this one is done well. 9
• Wild Hogs - I was looking for a movie I could kind of ignore and I got that and much more. This a soul-less, laughless, forumalic piece of cimamatic shit. This gets barely a 1
  

New Pump Track at Bent Creek

Snuck over today for a quick ride at Bent Creeks Latest Addition: A bonofide pump track. I was very excited to ride it, been reading about pump tracks for almost a year now.

My first impressions were that it is quite hard to ride, this one in particular is very small and tight, and its on a slope so I had a tough time keeping up momentum to get me pumping back up the hill so I had to pedal. I'm sure after some practice I could manage to make it back up the hills sans pedaling.

The other thing is, holy jesus h christ on a corn dog its a work out!! After about 60 seconds or so your pretty much toast, its a full body workout for sure. I was only there maybe 25 minutes and left pretty tired.

I really liked the fact that they built a vertical wall against one of the berms, and few times I was able to ride up it, but its pretty fucking hard to do it, and coming off of the wall is sketchy at best.

Micrsoft rips off Iphone - Big Surprise

The company with the LEAST innovation in the history of all companies is once again ripping off Apple with a nearly exact copy of a phone they are trying to patent. I'm sure this surprises no one, the good news it that by the time they get it to, uh, well I'd say "work" but that is unlikely Apple will probably be on its third generation phone that will cut your grass and suck your dick.

Read more and see photos here.

Six Word Stories

Ernest Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in six words. Rumor has it that he considered his result ("For sale: baby shoes, never used.") to be his greatest work.

Here are a few more that some authors wrote, can you do better fuck head?

Irvine Welsh: "Eyeballed me, killed him. Slight exaggeration."

Robert Olen Butler: "Saigon hotel. Decades later. He weeps."

Norman Mailer: "Satan--Jehovah--fifteen rounds. A draw."

Tobias Wolff: "She gave. He took. He forgot."

David Lodge: "I saw. I conquered. Couldn't come."

Augusten Burroughs: "Oh, that? It's nothing. Not contagious."

Here's Mine: "Damn that hurts a fucking lot"

Knoxville Brewer's Jam Report

We had a great fucking time at our first visit to knoxville brewer's jam. In attendance was Quessey Lee, myself, Dingo and Brewer Bob along with the crew from the French Broad Brewery.

There was 61 different brewery's in da house, so it was easy to quickly sample a plethera of tasty beverages.

How did it compare to Asheville's Brewgrass Festival? Well, I think overall I like Ash's fest better, but it was nice that you could actually get fucking tickets to the knoxville festival!! I'd estimate the Knox-Jam was about twice as large, but the beer lines were really not that bad. The initial line to get in was long, but it only took us about 25 minutes to get in, about the same as our experience at the 2006 Asheville Brewgrass.

The bathroom lines were another story. They were very very fucking long, and there was a large presence of coppers ready to nab you peein' in behind a bush. All in all we had a great time, I liked downtown knoxville, very clean, interesting archicture, but the nightlife I felt was pretty lame, not much live music, and all the guys seemed to be on steroids and were ready to start a fight over nothing.

Kinky Kelly couldnt decide who she wanted more,
Quessey Lee or Dingo...tough call . . .

The stupid hat crew was out in full force

made it to Knoxville

Made it in the cj!!!! Updating the sog from my iphone...,,

Great Film - Reign Over Me

Just watched Reigh Over Me, certainly adam sandlers best role to date. Kick ass soundtrack provides a backdrop for this film, sad it is indeed, but sandler really shows his range in this one.

Sandlers character lost his family in one of the 9/11 planes, and him and an old college buddy played by Don Cheadle reignite and old friendship and help each other in many ways. So go fucking rent it already.

Brewer's Jam Update

Getting all packed for tomorrow's(saturday) Brewer's Jam in Knoxville. If all goes well sunday we are all heading to Haw Creek, which is supposed to be the best place to mountain bike near Knoxville...

Floyd to appeal yet fucking again!!

Ok Floyd, we get it, you didnt do it. You've spent 2 million clams and apparently will spend another 2 million on lawyer fees, but guess what, they aren't gonna eat that much crow and let you off on appeal, it ain't gonna happen.

"Floyd Landis, the now dethroned 2006 Tour de France champion, announced Wednesday that he will appeal the decision of the American Arbitration Association (AAA) which refused to overturn the sanction for his positive drug test from the Stage 17 of the 2006 Tour to the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) in Switzerland. This appeal is the final chance for Landis to have his sanction overturned."

Beer Pong Tables!!

Finally, someone is selling ping pong tables made especially for beer pong!! Don't know what beer pong is? Don't worry, I won't tell anyone your gay...

Here is the site, plus they are only 125 smackers, not too shabby.

Ron Paul on MSNBC Front Page with Dan Abrams

Ron Paul, the GOP long shot?

Ron Paul talks with Dan Abrams about his campaign, criticizing the war in Iraq and claiming the Bush administration is violating civil liberties.

I love watching Ron Paul stick it to the other George Bush Wannabees.

Jacuzzi On The Highest Mountain In The Alps

A bunch of climbers took a portable jacuzzi to the top of Mount Blanc, the highest mountain in the Alps. This seems pretty fucking idiotic, but at the same time it seems like a brilliant idea.

Check this out, tons of photos, and a step by step on how they did it.

First Drink of the Day!!

Yup, its back folks!! Due to repeated, desperate requests from Soggy friend Dingo the Stone Cold Gringo I tracked down the infamous first drink of the day video. Epic. Awesome. Fuck Yeah.

So bookmark this and watch it every day around noon when you pour your first cocktail or bust open your first beer.

Knoxville Brewers Jam this Saturday - Come Join Us!!

Join us Saturday, October 13, 2007, from 1-7 p.m. at the World’s Fair Park in Knoxville for the 11th Knoxville Brewers’ Jam, celebrating great handmade American craft beer, music, and food.

Should be a great time, great weather, food and great fucking beer. So if your like me and missed fucking Brewgrass this year, here's your second chance!!

Annual Turkey Day Party

Yup, its almost that time once again for my annual Annual Turkey Day Party. We'll probably meet up round 11 am for a mountain bike ride, followed by a potluck at my house.

Should be good times, had a nice turnout last year. As always I'll have a keg o' beer plus some other spirits to keep your souls warm.

* Feel free to invite your girlfriends, boyfriends, neighbors, convicted fellons and even republicans.

Directions: I 40 to Exit 44 - Go back under 40 take right on action circle at light by Mcdonalds. Take right at first light at monte vista. Travel back over 40 and take right on oak hill road right after the 40 bridge. Follow oak hill about .5 mile, you’ll see a squirly yellow curvy road sign on the right, take the second gravel driveway after that. 156 oak hill road. If lost call me at 828-335-3910.

Here is an archive of all the Olde Soggy Shit

Here is a link to the previous Soggy Site with all of the posts still up there. I had to change my system, was too much of a pain in my assholes to maintain that other style. This much better, it locate in the same place.

Enjoy old site, now I will go enjoy your sister.

Classic Video - Steve eats it hard at Pisgah

This is one of my favorite cycling videos of all times, its rare that you not only get to see your friends eat it hard, but to have the video rolling....very nice!!

I shot this video a few years back, Dr. Destructo himself has a nice over the bars wreck at Pisgah.

Great stuff!

A great source for free classic cycling videos

Cycling News has a kick fucking ass section of videos ranging from the best of Lance to the best crashes.

Here is the main page for all of the videos.