Cool.....

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

still recovering

dang, still limping around, been ten days of pain and suffering. Took several bad falls on summey cove and am still paying the price....gettin' old.....

Ride Review - Summey Cove

Phew, fuck ass, this is one of those short long pisgah rides. I did this ride 2 weekends ago and am just now gathering the courage to write about it. What it lacks in length, it makes up for in kick your fucking assness.

The first 80 percent of this ride is not really much harder than bent creek, is one of the most scenic rides I've done in many a fort nites, and has a 60+ waterfall on the route with a kick fucking ass swimming hole.

Its after leaving the waterfall that things get innaresting. Unfortunately my C-dale prophet is out of the bizness for awhile waiting on a warranty part replacement(broken cranks), so I decided to go old school and ride a 1990 cannondale fully rigid bike. This baby is old school with canty brakes and skinny tires and not many gears. The last 2 miles of the ride took me right at 1-1/2 hours, no shit jack. After a nice smooth decent your greeted by one of the worst hike a bike or more like crawl a bike's anywhere. After reaching the summit, you have a very nasty decent, very very steep and sketchy. After knocking the snot outta myself 3 times in ten minutes I adopted for a bit of walking and then ended with some nice singletrack at the end.

Bald Bald

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Carlin Quotes

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Religion: If this [word] offends you, welcome to the world of sane and realistic critical thought. More harm has been done to the collective human psyche by religion than by all the fucking and cocksucking since the dawn of time. By the way, many religious people (including the ordained) fuck and suck each other's cocks all the time.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

Still funny after all these years

RIP George Carlin

One of the world's greatest comedian's ever passed away...sad....

1000 ways to open a beer

Beer Diet - IT WORKS!!

Miracle Beer Diet - For more of the funniest videos, click here

Colbert gets busted for trashing the Kite Runner

I lost to Barry Manilow!

Here is the weekly soggy Colbert vid:

This video is a few years old....but its one of the greatest things ever on the internets

When this first came out it was completely ignored by the media, mainly due to the fact that they were fucking embarrased....

Read on: "On April 29, 2006, American comedian Stephen Colbert appeared as the featured entertainer at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, which was held in Washington, D.C., at the Hilton Washington hotel. Colbert's performance consisted of a 16-minute podium speech and a 7-minute video presentation, which were broadcast live across the United States on cable television networks C-SPAN and MSNBC. Standing a few yards from U.S. President George W. Bush[1]—in front of an audience filled with celebrities, politicians, and members of the White House Press Corps[2]—Colbert delivered a controversial, searing routine targeting the president and the media.[3] Cable television personality Colbert spoke in the persona of the character he plays on Comedy Central's popular The Colbert Report, a parody of a conservative pundit in the fashion of Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity."

Watch:

New Trail in WNC? Yup fucko, its Flatwoods!!

Well, thats a blatant lie, the trail ain't new, but its new to me and none of my friends here had done it. There is a 8 mile loop that takes in much of what the area has to offer, but is only a smidgen of the mileage in this area. Every few minutes or so a new piece of singletrack juts out from your left our right begging to be explored. Another day indeed.

We road this trail on saturday and returned the next day to do the same route again, I can't recall doing that in a loooooooooooooong fucking time!!

The ride consists of short, but some very very steep climbs, fast flowing smooth singletrack, jumps, a few skinny log rides, a waterfall and a few technical sections. For a 2 - 2-1/2 ride this mutha-fucka's got it all bitches!! The main downhill on Ridgeline Trail certainly is a world class downhill, not too technical but fast and it flows like nothing else. Your traveling at high speeds but the banks, burms and jumps keep you from hardly using your brakes and the frequent jumps allows for pumping to keep up your momentum on the few flatter spots.

So git off yer ass and check it the fuck out!! The photo if of Flatwood Falls, a great place to take a lunch break, chug a beer, smoke...whatever ya got and take a dip....

How to make hot beer cold in 3 minutes

Just read this, thought it would come in handy, I know this is something I would find usefuly....

How to take beer from 90+ degrees to ice cold in about 3 minutes.

• Place the beer into a steel pot from the kitchen
• Toss in enough ice cubes to completely cover the beer
• Then fill the pot with water
• Next, and this is the trick, toss in 2 cups of table salt.
• Take a large wooden spoon and stirr this thing up to be sure the salt dissolved.

Place the concoction into the freezer and in 3 minutes to have ice cold beer.

Joke O' the Day

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet. The guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer.The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed. “But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband.

She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie...COCAINE

Boonen tests positive for cocaine

Paris-Roubaix winner and former world champion Tom Boonen has tested positive for cocaine, Het Laatste Nieuws reported on Tuesday.

The newspaper said that the 27-year-old Boonen tested positive for the drug three days before the Tour of Belgium on May 25, although anti-doping officials say the rider will not face suspension since use of the drug is not specifically banned except in competition.

Update: Former world cycling champion Tom Boonen will not be allowed to compete in this year's Tour de France following his positive drugs test.

Bike Security

Ride Review - Horse Cove

How to get there: US 276 north towards the Blue Ridge Parkway. Just after the Forestry Discover Center and Pink Beds Pinic area take FS 1206 for about 3 miles. Turn right on FS 476. Many camp sites are near by. The start is at the first gates road on left.

Horse cove is what I would call classic Pisgah singletrack. The ride total is 12.2 miles which takes roughly 2.5-4 hours depending on how much you wanna suffer.

After a 4 mile forest road climb you are treating to some great fucking downhilling on very narrow, tight and twisty singletrack. Good stuff. There is a pretty long 3 mile gradual climb back up to the river, but there are great views and plenty of places to dip in the river.

Vote Republican!!

86 RULES of Drinking

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

A GREAT movie you never Fucking seen

Without a doubt this is one of the greatest films ever made. Released in 1971 and stars a very young Dustin Hoffman.

STRAW DOGS.

Directed by Sam Peckinpah, who also did my favorite Western of all time The Wild Bunch.

Reverend Barney Hood: And now for my next trick, the piece de resistance, I present to you an empty glass. I will now fill this glass with milk.
Chris Cawsey: Would it work better with whiskey, Vicar?
Reverend Barney Hood: Nothing works better with whiskey.
Tom Hedden: I do.
Reverend Barney Hood: You've never worked a day in your life, Tom.

World's largest fake breasts - Maxi Mounds

A stripper has broken the record for the world’s largest fake breasts – thanks to a dangerous medical technique that is banned in Britain.

Maxi Mounds’s 36MM bust was accepted by Guinness World Records in a new World's Largest Augmented Breasts category, after years of lobbying by the entertainer.

Each of her breasts weighs 20 pounds – and they are still growing, thanks to the controversial "polypropylene string" treatment that created them.

The implant irritates the breast, causing the release of body fluids that inflate the area still further.

The procedure – which was only really popular among adult entertainers and sex workers – has since been banned in Britain and the United States due to concerns about its safety.

"I’ve seen some pretty funny things happen. Men walking into things and getting slapped by their girlfriends because they were staring too hard."

The official measuring taken in Florida in 2005 gave her a chest-over-nipple size of 60.5 in.

Trail Review - Haw Ridge

Got to ride Haw Ridge last saturday morning prior to seeing Todd Snider.....riding a new trail, camping, seeing todd snider in one day? Faggetaboutit...

If you're near knoxville, this is a great trail system. And as an added bonus, horses are "not recommended" on much of the singletrack. I like the lakeshore trails, they are rooty and off camber and if you blow it you're going into the drink...litterally, on the first mile or so of singletrack if you fall to the right you are in the lake. Although I probably wouldnt drive to TN just to ride this trail, it was a great ride with a fucking crazy maze of trails. There are 50 or more trails, but all very short so basically you just make turn after turn and are "lost" the whole day. The good thing is that they are well marked so when you want to head back just pull out her map and find out where you are.

THE funniest vide ever on the Internet(s)

B double E double R UN Beer Run

Saw Todd Snider at The Shed last saturday night. Wasn't the best Todd show ever but it certainly was at the most unusual venue. The shed is in TN south of Knoxville a tad. Its in the back of a Harley dealership, so I'd say half of the people where there to see Todd, half were there for the harley scene.

This song certainly got a few strange looks from the crowd!!

"Conservative Christian, right wing Republican, straight, white, American male.
Gay bashin’, black fearin’, poor fightin’, tree killin’, regioal leaders of sales
Frat housin’, keg tappin’, shirt tuckin’, back slappin’ haters of hippies like me.
Tree huggin’, peace lovin’, pot smokin’, porn watchin’ lazyass hippies like me.
Tree huggin’, love makin’, pro choicen, gay weddin’, widespread diggin’ hippies like me.
Skin color-blinded, conspiracy-minded, protestors of corporate greed,
We who have nothing and most likely will ‘till we all wind up locked up in jails
By conservative Christian, right wing Republican, straight, white, American males..."

Ohh.....CANADA!!

FINALLY pulled together an old school road trip!! Sean "Scratch", myself, and what now might be an international team with the addition of Costa Rican native Miguel are heading to Ontario for a mountain biking road trip.

Ontario is "the" new place for mountain biking according to www.mtbr.com it has the most singletrack of any state or providence, other than BC of course.

The area around Toronto has quite a bit of the North Shore features, ie big drops, log rides, etc without quite the insane factor of needing to wear full body armor.

More Congrats - Sue and Tom married!!

Congrats to sue and tom for not only getting married, but having the best wedding I can remember!! Close friends met at Tom's house, and we all road our bikes up Elk Mountain to the Blue Ridge Parkway and our own Pastor Ben presided over the wedding.

Definately the most work I've ever done at a wedding having to pull my 40 year old ass up that mountain but it was worth it, good times indeed.

More photos here: http://www.webasheville.com/wedding/

Joke O' the Day1

A little boy wakes up from his nap, and goes looking for his parents. He opens up their bedroom door and sees his dad with his mom bent over giving it to her hard. The dad looks up and sees the little boy, and just winks and smiles. A little later the dad decides he better go talk to his son, and opens up his bedroom door, and sees the little boy just given it hard to his grandma. The little boy sees his dad, and just winks and smiles. His dad gets all mad, and says "What the Hell is going on in here?" The little boy says "Its not soo funny when its your mom huh?"

Congrats to Ron!!

A big ass congrat-u-fucking lations goes out to Ron who summited Everest just a few weeks ago. More importantly he made it back safely to basecamp, and is on his way home.

From Ron: "As you all have been reading my son's updates of my progress, you know that I have been to the top of the world. I summited Mount Everest on May 21st at 8:00 AM. As I had one foot in Nepal and one in Tibet at 29035 feet I can't even tell you about the emotions I felt.

On summit day it seemed that all things were on my side. It was relatively warm with very little wind. The sun rose over my right shoulder and a full moon glowed brightly to my left, we needed no headlight to see. On top it was a wonderful morning with bright blue skies and a few clouds. We spent nearly one hour there. On the way down I felt that I had done my best and that all was well. I was not tired and traveled quickly. I stopped to help a climber that was having many problems and that took two and one half hours extra but was happy that I could help. I realized then how lucky I was that I was trained and fit so that I could be of service in his time of need.

I want to thank everyone for sending good thoughts, prayers and well wishes my way. I know the power of these things. When things are at the worst and it is cold and dark and you have no idea how much farther you need to go, when others are turning around and going down, the warm knowledge that others are thinking of me keeps me going."